keep crowing, oh, I came back wrong

Saying "I just want to be one of you" to the crows deliberating. And the ravens always know so much more. I've never been fully in my mind but I'm used to curling up inside yours. Is the music the only damn thing that keeps you calm? I keep crowing, oh, I came back wrong. There's a death in every little road trip taken, I am Theseus' ship on public transportation. I could suspend us all in time, with the power of the words I can't find, baby bird still can't fly. Every moment like the one right before hitting pavement. Only feel alive when your lungs seize, death rattle of a rattlesnake exhaling, breathing out for the last time. Clawing at ribcages to get to beating hearts. Find another frame for my picture, I just wanna fill up the wall. Too big for my body, and my everything hits capacity. Trapped and wrapped in ribs too shown. Turn a trick just as a sleight of hand, so so insecure. We could make it, could try, not your body's chance in heaven. Crashing down and killing clouds. Your fall from grace won't look so pretty.

sleep is an animal

Let all my ugly colors wander, in faster lanes from my soul. I'm begging to put the free in freeway. Let me be reckless, recklessly pushing my boundaries. I should probably get tested lest I keep testing your patience. Island out of concrete. Nothing good starts with screaming in a car. I don't want pity but I do like concern. The window's a world. Second chances never matter if you've got no stakes. I've got headaches but they couldn't touch chernobyl. "The only thing I haven't done yet is God" I was about to take some drastic measures and commit some drastic actions. I am a robot, watch me bleed. Hugs as band-aids on bullet wounds. Sleep is an animal, hunting you down. I can eat glass, it will not hurt me. Take me into your house and home. That night the stars found a little one to call their own. This will not heal the hole in my heart, drying up the ink dark poison with the tip of a pen. Shrapnel will always find its target eventually, and you will not leave unscathed.

2023 VMAs has me riled up

Lana Del Ray just won best alternative at the VMAs and I'm mad enough to throw hands. I have very strong opinions that essentially boil down to: alternative pop will always win against just plain ol' alt, and is also kind of an oxymoron if you think about it. Alt pop being an alternative kind of pop is not the problem, it's that it's still pop. It should be in the pop category, not alternative. Jesus, you would think they'd give bands like Paramore and Fall Out Boy a chance to win for fucking once. But pop always wins, I guess.

forgotten under beds

I can't stop what I can't understand. We'll do what we thing we're meant to, meanwhile dreaming of half-lit fires and impulses that would send us home in boxes. It's always better to be more vague. I am a reflection now, a master of showing people what they want to see and being mistaken as see-through. I can't stop what I...

Sometimes you should put up a fight. Stop rolling over, we fight like dogs at the pound, wire mesh restraining our bared teeth and teary bites. Is it better on the other side? This is always a joke, and always still a cry for help.

I want to run away from home, walk a million miles, never cry again, dissapear inside a city that will never know my name. Become one with the masses, climb out onto my roof, hanging halfway out the window. Don't want to join the graveyard littered with ladybug corpses, forgotten under beds and in boxes. I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to forget me. We've never even met.

sea-struck

We're taking the power. Misery is power. So many wars, so little time. Failure's not really, only practice for something better. Hate to let things go to waste, go to waste on a nothing page. I'm mourning you, but you're still here. Inventing, inventing gravity. Pass the bear on the way by, get eaten by bear, eat the bear. Buried under wrong tombstones. Neurodiversion (I'll show you a meltdown). Fangs are for tigers.

How she says "I have a kid who..." like a deficit. I'm aware I don't have all the whole parts, defunct but not willing to go back to the factory; last chance price markdown, all sales final. This isn't just interest, this is possession. Crawling into other people's bodies like I'll fit better in someone else's skin. Curse earth sea disco. Sea-struck wind-blown boy, all alone on the shore as a storm rages above him. Salt-soaked down to his bones. "If I awoke from a dream, I would wish it was all a lie" and I would wish I couldn't lie. Create a truth serum that works, a cheat for self-control I don't have. Misery is (will)power.

hear the world in a mist or spell (Not Otranto)

 I’ve given up on trying to understand what poems mean from the author’s perspective, because sometimes it feels like my brain doesn’t work like that. I’m much better at reading lines and molding them into my own perspectives. Poetry from rephrasing other people’s words. Transformative work, I guess you could call it.

Otranto by Barbara Guest is interesting.

Now understand that I don’t know what it means at all, only what it can mean through my lens. I only understand the italicized lines in my own way. I take snippets and I don’t care for the whole. Otranto is a place in Italy.

The ghost in their nostrils like a memory of a smell that makes you ache and puts tension in your head. They only see the moon as it wanes away. Never say nothing can’t ever mean anything. 

Words burnt if they quickened. Faster out of mouths, tongues causing friction to catch on fire. The ship means something to create a bridge of worlds, take him somewhere new (or anywhere at all). Hear the world in a mist or spell, under a spell of faraway. The shared bitterness on skin, between teeth, salty tears, sweet smiles, bitter ink. Mosaics cracked still seem untouched. 

Borrowed sky asks for seeking direction, I’m directionless, pointing north in my sleep and every other way when awake. 

In smoke, in print, in dark. In print on fire, burning words and lighting up the night. Here’s something for “transformative”. Learn from invaders who crave it, how to burn something holy.

Armored wrens, soaring so heavy, falling so weightless. Beak-mark arrows to the heart. 

Night through a screen, eyes burning from light after the sun goes down. Can’t close my eyes, can’t sleep though the heavy pull of unconsciousness draws me closer. Always on the edge. Ghosts they store, then bring it out of hiding. More than a few still sleep in the closet. 

Watch as the towers bend to one another, heads bowed as if speaking, structure creaking, drawing into some cosmic pull. Much like sleep, only more destruction.

Drag a carcass over a blunt road like a roadkill animal. A funeral pyre for a body-less soul, they will never find it. On a ship somewhere, covered in mist. Maybe a killing’s taken place.

Whatever this is, it is not Otranto.

sempi2eternal

I'm just a monster with ideas, bleeding ink out on the page. Something so quiet, so desperate, tell me you don't think that way. I've got eyes tuned to illusions and an empty in my soul. A ragged, beating, pitiful thing, words can make an exit hole. We know better than to take what we deserve. Stars don't shimmer but the bottles do. You and me, 2 for 2. I don't remember galaxies, light pollution, big city. Get this gore out of my chest, flush the wound with reassurance. Lungs don't collapse like black holes do, not as long as you get consoled. I'm a stardust immigrant, but I've never been home. Born to nothing, dying to love. I look up to the stars but only see airplanes. Nebulae beings at our centers. Cradled in dark matter, and in the dark it doesn't matter. You and me put the sempi to eternal.

baby gators in the gutter

Audio, Disco, Inferno. Crystals rain like disco balls, shards between the fingers and soul. Skip the record player, skip and play the record. Go on take a breather, breather, focus off the chords. Stay chill like Benadryl. Baby gators (we are) born in the gutter, translucent. I can eat glass, it will not hurt me. Take me into your house and home. I can swallow shards of sorrow, it's words that splinter deep in bone.

flame-light wisps are killing trees

Doomed our lovers to the shadows at our feet. Just a ghost in my house. A patch-work case, I'm patch-working on it. An off-balance duet, don't mind my two left feet. Looking through windows. Daylight casts a shadow. I'm bad at both the waking, and the sleeping, headspace home. Come and bear these fangs and we'll unleash them, tear tracks red. This is not the language I speak, no not by design. Every day starts a new season, but baby I'm still on the last episode (season finale). Summer at night, morning in winter, eclipse like collision across the sky. Blame all the fires for their nature, it's human nature. Watching forest, exhaling leaves. I'm honest, but my flame-light wisps are killing trees. 

stuff of fiction, silly

This blood just doesn't feel right. Blank eyes look at you right. Your parents have the worst luck, so cover it up. I try to live in the music, the melody, but the words just don't come. At some point, disorders are your natural state of being. My tears are acidic, now my eyes hurt; fireworks, like the 21st of July. How can I ever live again, no life meant to live the way I dream of. Dreams are the stuff of fiction, silly, storybook nonsense. Come talk to me when you've calmed down. Can you use your words this time?

stars go supernova

I'm a fast-forward wreck with my head in the sane. Grainy visions overlaid on my eyelids, set the layer to burn. Eyes like telescopes, each layer magnifying a new detail. Watch a grain of sand, miss the whole damn beach. I grew up familiar with the ocean but now it terrifies me. I'm scared the only emotion I know how to feel sometimes is fear. A feature-length film etched into my corneas, but I never have the right words. Castaway all hesitation.

I've got stardust in my veins. Not in a cosmic, "fated-to-be" way, but in the way stars sometimes go supernova.

This blood doesn't feel right. Using light from the door to read at night, wishing my hair was shorter and I was bright. Your parents just have the worst luck. Better cover it up.

cultural grievance (atlas)

High-venom advantage. The predator I wanna be, offense, tired of being defensive prey. Time to fight back. Don't look before you jump. All I hear are heartbeats off-rhythm and static. I've got white noise syndrome-- I can't stand the quiet. Follow your leader with a gunshot, the system decides what end you're on. Pledge allegiance to cultural grievance, scapegoat in discussed agreements, moral uprising. The leopards will never be satisfied. So protect your face, or ready the cages.

No more do-nothing, say-nothing, explain-nothing lives. Broadcast the daunting, let your worries and fears rest on shoulders other than your own. Atlas is not to be idolized.

little mermaid on fire

There are worse things than leaving first. Like leaving last, an ocean of empty after all the fish are gone. The water's a nothing void without noise or movement. Waves rocking in a gentle motion for no one. Waiting for something to call it its final home.

A being other. Not normal. I say "fine" to enduring fire, but no one else sees the flames. Fall out of sync one step, falling behind like walking on coals. No need for your soul or soles bared to open air, judgment day. Another little mermaid on fire, pins and needles and ash and smoke.

///The new Little Mermaid movie looks pretty good tbh

bloodstained's the new trend

Do double time. Use your middle name to hide. Breaking hearts for the first time, seeing stars for the last time. Missed by half a mile. Sometimes shame is the only thing I know how to feel. Whole in pieces. Bloodstained's the new trend. I'm trying to live a lie, bite my tongue. Not another half-breed, just a breed of my own. And if you ever wanna meet his sea-haunted gaze, well, get fucked. I left behind, bulls-eye, target I used to be. Everyone in their own time will fall together. I want to come apart piece by piece, no anesthesia? Grab a hammer. No one could ever put together a person who's already whole. Summer Nights to combat a raging fever. I want to be you, all I needed was to not be me. If I go off in the deep end just to be like you in the worst way, do I get any reward? No good at being bad, too bad at being good. Bulls-eye, we are who we are, I was never an arrow or a bullet. Not even the entry or exit hole. Bulls-eye.

back to oh four

Survive too late, light of a lost life. No averting catastrophe, it's written in our history. Look the past in the eyes and unravel atom by atom, the Ship of Theseus in your DNA. Freedom is just for teens, adults get downfall and impending doom. Tragedy belongs to no one. Get hooked on the books of bravery. Back to oh four, the pumpkins are rotted before they even form. Brothers killing each other for their common good. Cain and Abel represented in new shapes, never put to rest except over and over again. Enemies are acquaintances with better aim. 

windowwalking from dusk to dawn

There's something in the music that just can't connect. Wrong output wrong line wrong note. Send me to the floor! I'm alright but nothing's left. He's no never more, fail your (failure) destiny, In Incarnate form, drop your pencils now. This is how we boys with fevers never get to work it out. Uphill climbs only get steeper but it's worse to back out now. According to my mood there will be casualties. We'll fix it in post. I'm far too aware of all I have.

I was not built to last.

You can give, you can take, but never both. Poor kid sabotages their only chance at life before they can even spell the word. No fuckup allowed, my own definitions chew me up and spit me out, this fuckup's got a long-lasting flavor.

Gently take me to sleep. Windowwalking from dusk to dawn, one in the ring and one in my bed. "Changed" is all we know. I having respiratory malfunctions, lungs, what are they good for when I can't breathe when I'm around you? Sharing the same air as I choke on your CO2. Die Tonight and Live Forever to replace our Good Night and Good Luck anthem.

like paper planes

The light cascades over St. Nothing. Offset the flames in your eyes. You take control of the story, you take control of how the story now plays out. Street corner preachers who make a street or corner to preach on. Death before dereliction. We're just wolf kids let loose on society, with a bone for more than picking. A hundred die a hundred more. Don't stop until you get it wrong. Keeping up with times that no longer exist. We let the tears tell us where to go. Like paper planes, send my soul soaring. Like paper planes, torn up on the pavement. Why are we outsiders when standing in our home. Invite me in. I'm outside looking in, let me in. I can't cross the doorway yet. Not a fighterhater. Loverloser. This is a cry for help.

"this side up ⬆"

Is this how everyone feels all the time? I've got devastation deep in my bones, an anchor to this earth I roam. Mind so high while my calcium sits low in my jaw, grinding teeth. So loud-- I can hear the vibrations in my spine, more links like neurons from my body to the sky. It's a shame I've got no basement to retreat to when I'm feeling low, so sitting in the dark will have to do. Blur the words, the fears untold, hold me in the slow motion. I go too fast or just drag my feet, so drag me to my destiny. They only say to dial down the volume, but it's your eardrums to risk. I miss hearing the hits on beat, nod to the bass and restrain your feet. Tapping faster, so I might feel less alone with the thrumming in my bones. 

Sorry for being normal, I was having an off day. My wires drop around my shoulders when it'd be better if they were just crossed, a digital connection to God. Every thought like an MSM. In the soft light I hope to die or freeze time. Sound wash over me, erase every bad thought chemical imbalance: I'm unbalanced, never had the knack for it. Clumzy with a z, never on two feet unless it's two feet above the ground. Graceful only on the stage, only in body but never in mouth or brain. Use both hands, better stamp yourself with "this side up ⬆" so everyone knows you're fragile. Small bones that are crushed under impact of words and emotion that can't be described any way else. You're so close to giving it up, but the last shred of self-preservation is holding on. Say fuck it, put your limits to the test, and your eardrums at risk.

locked jaw on bleeding arms

 A corpse planet -- graves of unknown life. Solar winds caress the skulls of dreamers who bit off more than their jaws could handle. We take equilibrium and balance for granted. No more electricity could magnetize our bodies together. We are re-fired and reformed anew, our atoms pointing in different directions. I am finding my way to you, like a bird flying home. Birds understand directions despite not knowing what the words mean. I know you despite not knowing your name. Don't you know I'm cursed, boy, I see you glow in the dark, unfulfilled destiny calling, boy, hearts pierced by shards. Something so powerful about dancing in the dark, never alone when I'm with the thought of you. Car crash season, head through a windshield. Your wolves are restless and want nothing more to tear me apart, and my wolves feel the same about you. Locked jaw on bleeding arms and bleeding hearts. So so hard to ever let go. Cry me rivers, cry me oceans, chemical compositions hold the secrets of the universe. Put me under a microscope to see the stardust in my veins. Souls ascending, spines and wills bending, reshape your meaning. Lungs are empty before we fill them with each other's air.

Heartbreak feels so good.

poster boy for overthinking [playlist 20]

1. Five Hours - Deorro

    [n/a]

2. Kill V. Maim - Grimes

    ['Cause I'm only a man, do what I can

    Are you going to the party? Are you going to the show?]

3. The Saltwater Room - Owl City

    [When we're apart whatever are you thinking of?

    If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?

    So tell me darling do you wish we'd fall in love?

    All the time, all the time]

4. Here Comes The Sun - The Beatles

    [Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter

    Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here]

5. Wondering Time - Sense Field

    [You're the only one who understands

    The weight of this moment

    The weight of this day]

6. I'm Not Made By Design - Nothing But Thieves

    [I live on oxygen, a bastard monkey boy

    Do what the hell I like, I'm no celestial toy]

7. This Is How I Disappear - My Chemical Romance

    [I'm really not so with you anymore

    I'm just a ghost, so I can't hurt you anymore

    So I can't hurt you anymore]

8. Save Yourself, I'll Hold Them Back - My Chemical Romance

    [We can leave this world, leave it all behind

    We can steal this car if your folks don't mind

    We can live forever if you've got the time]

9. Disasterology - Pierce The Veil

    [Can we create something beautiful and destroy it?

    Nobody knows I dream about it

    This is my imagination]

10. West Coast Smoker - Fall Out Boy

    [Knock once for the father, twice for the son

    Three times for the holy ghost

    I'm a nervous wreck! I'm a nervous wreck! I'm a nervous wreck!]

11. I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me - Fall Out Boy

    [Find a safe place, brace yourself, bite your lips

    I'm sending your fingernails and empty bottles you've sipped

    Back to your family 'cause I know you will be missed]

12. Just Another Star - Bullet For My Valentine

    [You're just another star that's burnt out too quickly

    But I still see you, shining!

    I'm just another guy that's fucked up immensely

    But you still love me]

13. Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence - FACT

    [I wish I could meet you again tonight

    If I awoke from a dream, I would wish it was all a lie]

14. Sunspots - Nine Inch Nails

    [Peel off our skin, we're gonna burn what we were to the ground

    Fuck in the fire and we'll spread all the ashes around

    I want to kill away the rest of what's left and I do]

15. Kid Nothing and the Never-Ending Naked Nightmare - Gym Class Heroes

    [This reoccurring nightmare never ending

    So I'm saying Hello (So I'm saying Hello)

    And now I'm screaming Hello

    Can anybody hear me?]

16. The Last Of The Real Ones - Fall Out Boy

    [I am a collapsing star with tunnel vision

    But only for you, but only for you]

17. This Is Home - blink-182

    [We work and slave the day away

    We're raised in perfect families

    We fuck and fight like vagabonds

    We dance like fucking animals]

18. Dawn Of The Dead - Does It Offend You, Yeah?

    [Like the men that were before me, he said

    ‘The dawn of the dead came toward me,’ I’m afraid]

19. Action Cat - Gerard Way

    [And don't ask a lot and you won't lose a lot

    Don't ask for much]

20. I Understand - Jack Stauber

    [I bend with the bandit

    We live it down and I understand]

prometheus (like tiny daggers up to heaven) Vol. 1

prometheus

Song: Love From The Other Side by Fall Out Boy (2023)

the other side

Kids who aren't the most detailed, functional time pieces. Overtalking and underexplaining what makes them tick, to people who have no interest in clocks. Once more from the top-- stop clapping on the offbeat. Broken clocks are right twice a day but the ones off time just get left behind. Kids who think of years as wheels of misfortune and days as never-ending trials. Free sneak peeks of purgatory, but after this you'll have to pay. No one knows what's on the other side; some think it's green grass, some think it's a humorless void filled with ghosts of the past. Some don't think it exists at all, since they can't see over the fence. There has to be something on the other side, otherwise it's a non-linear, euclidian waste of space designed to make us dream. What's the difference between deception and hope, really?

I'll be rain, pouring one out

Rain is seen as dreary, sad, and depressing; associated with sadness, but I revel in it. Rain reminds me I'm free. It reminds me I'm alive. It washes away chalky mistakes on sidewalks and guilty sins from my body. I want to feel my clothes cling to my skeleton like a second skin, laden with God's tears and a promise to make me clean. Thunder is the rock-and-roll of the skies, a warning and each boom feels like a bomb dropped. Lightning is the search party's flashlight aiming your way for a split second, electrifying hope that you'll be found. Some people hate the rain. I want to listen to it until I forget what it's like to hear my name, to hear anything other than the pitter-patter of the windowpane. There's comfort in knowing we all return to the earth when we die. I'll be rain, pouring one out for all the lost souls and playing music as loud as I can.

eyes too wide

No more reminders of breaking hearts. Jumpstart the ending, skipping scenes like skipping past channels. Not a single drop of empathy for my broken tv, white static is all I see and hear. I could be what you deserve but not really. It wouldn't be me, just a pale imitation growing paler. I'm just the ghost of who you thought I was. Nausea overtake me, heartbeats quickening out of sync. Change the channel again. Put your hands on the dial, I'm craving for it. Please say you're on the same wavelength. Merge with me. I don't want to speak. Full body contact couldn't save me if it tried. I'd love to drown in the weight, the pressure. Setting my bones back into my body. You could make this all go away. What we need isn't always good for us, and I'm chasing away the hollow like I'm chasing an addiction. Eyes too wide. Stop staring, you're freaking everyone out. I'm sorry, I forgot how to close my eyes. I'm sorry, I can't look away.

painting smiley faces on corpses

I am no longer blank, I have love and hearts carved into my skin. Physical reminders of who I am and who loves me that will remain for eternity, as long as I live, or whichever comes first. 

The paper's crinkled to hell and back!! God lives just to spite me.

Mortal wounds won't be defeated by bandaids. Discover the carnage as graveyard rubbings, crayon on canvas for all my ghosts to see. Like trying to make a kid understand war, death, hell. A craving for chemicals that won't leave any of us alone, until we destroy ourselves atom by atom, undoing the very fabric of reality, just to get a taste of being normal. I am disgust and horror and love, all twined up together and muddled like every color of paint at once, painting smiley faces on corpses. Kill sadness with deranged happiness. You can't feel fear if all you feel is hysteria.

Love List

This was written circa 2018/2019. Everything is uploaded exactly how it was written at the time.

Love List transcribed:

1. I love my friends.

2. I love how freakishly nice + amazing + dorky + cute my best friend is.

3. I love musical theater.

4. I love performing.

5. I love making lists.

6. I love those feta cheese pockets.

7. I love small dogs!!!

8. I love my newsies discord.

9. I love my hoard.

10. I love buzzfeed unsolved.

11. I love making bird jokes.

12. I love being a bird.

13. I love socks.

14. I love Starboard, my comic.

15. I love Cole.

16. I love watching Star Trek.

17. I love making gay jokes.

18. I love Treasure Planet.

19. I love my window plants.

20. I love memes.

21. I love music.

22. I love sleep.

23. I love bein comfy.

24. I love WG (writers group)

25. I love planning.

26. I love Chicago.

27. I love drawing.

28. I love painting (even though I'm not very good yet).

29. I love sewing lil things.

30. I love dancing.

31. I love books.

32. I love de-stressing.

33. I love baths.

34. I love collecting pins.

35. I love getting patches for my patch jacket.

36. I love drinking milk.

37. I love painting on my arm.

38. I love gummy worms.

39. I love sour things.

40. I love writing.

41. I love capes.

42. I love collecting rocks.

43. I love dragons.

44. I love buttons.

45. I love old-timey things.

46. I love the 1880's - 1940's aesthetic.

47. I love the word "vindicated".

48. I love my Silly Bands collection.

49. I love spaghetti.

50. I love the colors purple, orange, green, + blue.

51. I love the rainbow, really.

52. I love fanfiction.

53. I love the Maze Runner.

54. I love post-apocalyptic tropes.

55. I love collecting things.

56. I love birds.

57. I love bad photoshopped images.

58. I love my postbook.

Hate List

This was written circa 2018/2019. Everything is uploaded exactly how it was written at the time.

Hate List transcribed:

1. I hate my name.

2. I hate that I'm overly emotional + cry at everything.

3. I hate that I'm anxious.

4. I hate that I feel like they can't trust me. They can't take my word for anything, they always have to prove it themself.

5. I hate that I'm indecisive about everything.

6. I hate that I'm not a good enough student for my parents.

7. I hate that I'm not the daughter they deserve.

8. I hate that I'm still a child.

9. I hate that I'm never good enough at the things I love to do.

10. I hate that there's always someone better than me.

11. I hate that I feel I can't tell my parents things. No matter how much they say that they will get it, understand, support me, I can't help but feel that they won't. 

12. I hate that I can't tell them who I really am because I'm scared of them distancing themselves because of it.

13. I hate that I'm a burden.

14. I hate that I'm alone.

15. I hate that I can't get things done.

16. I hate that I make everyone around me disappointed.

17. I hate that I can't speak up.

18. I hate that I love making dumb lists.

19. I hate that I'll never find a romantic partner.

20. I hate that I'm allergic to everything.

21. I hate that I have such loving parents, because when I inevitably disappoint them, it'll only make it worse.

22. I hate that I exist.

23. I hate that school is so hard for me, stresses me out.

24. I hate that I hate myself.

25. I hate that everything is so hard for me.

26. I hate that my shoulders always hurt.

27. I hate that I have emotions.

28. I hate that I love everyone too much.

29. I hate that no one understands.

30. I hate that I could never pursue a career in the things I love to do, because my parents insist I should get a better paying "real job" because the one I want doesn't pay well. I don't think they understand that I don't want to be rich, and don't care if I have little money.

31. I hate that I blackout sometimes.

32. I hate that I'm not super interesting.

33. I hate that I'm not really interesting.

34. I hate that I'm not good at languages.

35. I hate that I can't sleep.

36. I hate that I have no one to talk to.

37. I hate that I can't turn back time and live my life the way I want to.

38. I hate that my voice could be better.

39. I hate that all my clothes look too feminine.

40. I hate that I'm not confident.

41. I hate that I'm distracted easily.

42. I hate that I think I'm a bad person.

43. I hate that I'm actually a bad person.

44. I hate that I'm never hungry.

45. I hate that I missed that one quiz in third quarter and got a zero how could I be so stupid.

46. I hate that I feel like I'm never a priority. I feel like everytime I ask for something, it gets put on a wait list.

47. I hate that I freak out for no reason.

48. I hate how I can't talk to people.

49. I hate how easy it is to convince myself that everyone hates me.

50. I hate how much I need validation.

51. I hate how much I can't focus.

52. I hate how much I hate school.

53. I hate how emotional I am.

54. I hate that my friends are too good for me.

55. I hate that I'm just a loser.

56. I hate that I mess everything up.

57. I hate that I make everyone sad.

58. I hate that I'm just a waste of space.

59. I hate that my allergie suck.

60. I hate that I have acne.

61. I hate that I'm not dating anyone.

62. I hate that no one likes me romantically.

63. I hate that I'm so needy.

64. I hate how judgey my classmates are.

65. I hate that my heart clenches a little when I look at my crush.

66. I hate that I have a crush at all.

67. I hate that I can't help anyone.

68. I hate the homophobia jokes even though they're jokes they unnerve me.

69. I hate that my brain goes from "nice" to "sad" in like 2 seconds.

70. I hate hot pockets.

71. I hate the goddamn finals.

72. I hate that I feel that I'm not allowed to be angry because I'm a generally happy person.

73. I hate that I'm touch starved.

74. I hate that I develop crushes easily.

75. I hate that my crush doesn't like me back.

76. I hate that even though I'm dating someone and it should feel right, it feels wrong.

77. I hate how I missed my Grandfather's funeral.

78. I hate how I'm incapable of bouncing back.

FACT - FACT (2009)

I just found this band in Spotify's "Discover Weekly" recs. It recommended "A Fact Of Life" and I initially was like, "wtf is going on" but after like ten seconds I was absolutely hooked. I think what threw me off is that I originally thought the lead was singing the verses in Japanese. Turns out he's just singing fast and has an accent (the band is Japanese), and their stuff is mostly in English. Either way it's cool tho! 

Sorry for the shitty quality on the album cover, I'm surprised I was able to find anything on this band since their last release seems to be in 2013. They do have two albums out, FACT (2009) and Burundanga (2013). I haven't listened to the second one, but I'm making my way through FACT and while "A Fact Of Life" might be what initially drew me in and therefore a likely contender for my fave, "Paradox" is makin' a run for it right now. The band's sound seems to be mostly post-hardcore/metalcore, but I also get some electronic influence in the production details of several songs. 

Actually, scratch some of what I just said. I checked Wikipedia and apparently FACT is their second album, and they had an album titled "Never Turn Out the Light to Keep Myself" that released in 2006. It's just not on Spotify. They also apparently had an album that released in 2010 and then two after Burundanga that released in 2014 and 2015 respectively, and it looks like the band split up in 2015. :(

Here's the tracklist (and my rave reviews):

01 - Paradox

Love how the rhythm guitar and drums work together here. "Strike down this angry force, The sky turns a violent color" are some banger lyrics. The song ends with some of that electronic influence I was talking about, and it specifically gave me electropop right there. This song is a strong opener for this album.

02 - Los Angeles

Some of the riffs go hard on this one, and there's some great growly scream vocals. The chorus is pretty solid. Not my fave, but to be honest this album so far still feels like banger after banger to me.

03 - A Fact Of Life

God I love this song. I want to tattoo this into my brain. Is the lyric "thanks for the memory" a Fall Out Boy reference or am I delusional? The way the lead sings definitely makes it hard to understand what he's saying unless you're looking at the lyrics while the song plays. I genuinely thought the bits before "thanks for the memory" were sung in Japanese before I looked up the lyrics. Speaking of FOB, I'm a Fall Out Boy fan so not knowing wtf the lead is saying is pretty normal for me, not a problem lol. Anyway. The high energy and unique sound of this song have captivated me.

04 - Chain

This one is less my speed. The guitar feels very jarring to me and much heavier than their other songs, but it's only a 30 second interlude so it's cool. Not sure I'd vibe with it if it was a full song, but it's a fun lil' thing.

05 - Reborn

Definitely feels much more like some other post-hardcore/metalcore stuff from other bands. This song kind of reminded me of Bullets For My Valentine a little, specifically the album The Poison (2006). Definitely still FACT's sound, but I enjoyed the stereotypical metalcore-type riffs. I love the backup vocals on the "I know" parts especially, and the little solo at the end fucks. This one is going in the faves list.

06 - Purple Eyes

Also getting more metalcore riffs from this bad boy. I think. I probably don't even know what I'm talking about and if anyone saw this they'd just go "no, dumbass, that's clearly x". I think the issue is I can't always tell the difference between some post-hardcore and metalcore but I enjoy both, so. The chorus fucks hard and there's lots of fast guitar. It fades out at the end, which is very different from how most of their other songs end (not with a fade out). (at least I don't think)

07 - Lights of Vein

Getting the most "anime vibes" from this one. It's not the heaviest and I don't know enough about music but I saw something once about how a lot of modern Japanese music uses "circular patterns" or something like that. I'm just saying that this song feels like it draws on a lot of the same influences as popular J-Rock anime intros. Also a little bit of American post-hardcore? Pop Punk? I'm pretty sure post-hardcore has more of an almost melancholy sound, like the musical equivalent of trudging through mud and getting your socks a little damp. But like in a good way. Anyway, this song sounds to me like if a Boku No Hero Academia intro and the California album by blink-182 had a baby.  

08 - Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence

Obsessed with this one too. I thought it was another interlude because of how diff it sounds but it's like 3 minutes long, baby! There's some jazzy piano in this one, and also some fucking awesome guitar noises. I think I'm most interested in the vocal melodies because it scratches some deep-set itch in my brain. The screams also sound good to my ears. "If I awoke from a dream, I would wish it was all a lie" Brb, going insane over these lyrics. This song definitely is going in my faves and might even have to battle Paradox for the title of second favorite song from this album. I want this playing on a constant loop in my brain.

09 - CO3

You know that weird scary tractor thing that tries to kill Lightning McQueen and Mater in one of the Cars movies? Yeah this song gives me those exact vibes and I can't explain why. It's a banger though! No lyrics, just scary tractor vibes. 10/10 would recommend.

10 - Snow

This makes me feel like this album should be a winter album but they released this in the middle of April. Good for them. Another fun fact, the Spotify lyrics seem to have some sorta discrepancy with the song where there's like. a whole chorus section that the lyrics do not address. It definitely has the lyrics for the chorus, but it basically goes Verse > Chorus > Verse > [there's a chorus section here in the song but not in the lyrics] > Whatever Comes Next. It's a Pretty Song :)

11 - Stretch My Arms

Getting more inexplicable blink-182 vibes from this. I genuinely hope I'm not the only one who hears it. There's some super melodic parts in this one, very nice.

12 - 45 Days

Not as into this one. Where are the drums bro? 

(2:20 into the song, actually.) 

I definitely prefer the second half due to personal tastes, but the lyrics are good.

13 - Why...

This song feels like a question mark personified and I'm so into it. Spotify won't show me lyrics for this song, but from what I can hear I really vibe with them. Very nice lead up to the chorus and the pay off is delicious. Love this one so hard. Not on the same level as Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence but it might be my third or fourth favorite. I appreciate that it leads into the next song, I thought that was so cool.

14 - 42006

The ominous thumping and electronic noises that happen in the beginning are great. I have no idea what's going on here. I feel like this would play in the background while I'm experiencing a fever dream. I also think the glitch effect really adds to it. It's two minutes but it feels a lot shorter than that. 10/10.

15 - Rise

This one's decent but I honestly don't feel like it's their strongest. I wouldn't end the album with this, but I guess it technically isn't the closing song if you include the remixes. Very much a post-hardcore chorus. The last chorus is actually pretty good, but the oomph it has from the end, it kind of feels like it lacks in the beginning. I do like that the instrumentals fade out but the vocals don't.

16 - A Fact of Life - Boom Boom Satellites Remix

I know this is a remix, but this one really feels like they took the acoustic for A Fact Of Life and made an electropop remix out of it. I actually really dig it, although I think I still like the original better. They do feel like very different songs.

17 - Los Angels (MSTRKRFT AI-P Remix)

Also an insane electronic remix. Not sure how I feel about all of this one. Might be because I wasn't too into the original in the first place? Hmmm. I do like that the title is different from the original (Los Angeles vs Los Angels) and I like the chorus.

18 - Snow - 29 Remix

This one's also a fever dream, but not my particular flavor. It feels like punk rap with a lo-fi jazz piano sample laid overtop. Definitely could see myself having an existential crisis to this. I actually just think it's funny that this remix is here compared to the rest of the album.

Even though this album feels like it should sound like every other post-hardcore/metalcore album from 2009, to me this album feels pretty standout and I'm pretty disappointed it didn't seem to get more recognition. It's pretty long for an album- it's got 18 tracks total, including 3 remixes. I'm definitely going to listen to their other stuff (we'll see about another review).